I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21. I was quite shy and my parents had these very strict rules about being alone with a person of the opposite sex. I could not be alone with a guy in any fashion, like in a car or somewhere where we were truly alone. This prevented me from having the opportunity for any frisky business of any kind and therefore left me kissless and 21 and desperate to just get it over with. I mean c’mon! What if I died and had never been kissed!?!? What a nightmare my 21 year old self thought that would have been. Death before kisses!? oh em gee! The horror!
But there I was 21 and naive and agitated that I had no idea what a simple kiss was like.
And then, like most of these entries…. A guy showed up.
A friend from church, someone I didn’t know well that was actually friends with my dad, but closer to my age, a few years older though. He was funny, and funny is very attractive. We started messaging each other on FB when it was only college students I believe, or was it MySpace? heck it could have just been AOL messenger. So simple, silly messages back and forth and then he invited me over… and I being of sound mind but also completely stupid went over to his house one afternoon. Now doing this meant I had to lie, and I did, I said I was running to the store… which I did do… later.
I got there and to be totally honest with you there was nothing special or romantic about it, he had a basketball game on, his breath smelled like broccoli and I swear to god when he kissed me I locked up like a 2 by 4 and I couldn’t move. I believe the words that followed were ‘you have nothing to worry about’ in reference to my previously mentioned messages to him about the worry of being a bad kisser. I then didn’t hear from him for a week or two and I got all in my feelings about it, realized there was nothing there and stopped talking to him. There’s a whole other blog to be written in reference to 6 months later when my parents found out about this and I was kicked out of the house – for lying and breaking rules, not so much the kissing, and It lasted all oh 24 hours. A story for a different day.
Looking back at all of this I find it quite interesting that I wasted my first kiss because I was so anxious to get it over with. I was told over and over again by friends that it was weird that I hadn’t kissed anyone. It wasn’t great and I have really never mentioned to anyone who it was because it was more shameful than special.
Also as much as I hate to admit it my parents rules about never being alone with anyone was actually more beneficial than I think I would ever care to admit. If you struggle with not crossing boundaries or you need the accountability don’t let anyone ever make you feel odd or weird for keeping things to whatever level of alone you are comfortable with.
In many situations we find ourselves asking ‘what harm would it be?’ And that’s what I did there. What harm would it be if I kissed that guy and finally got my first kiss? What harm would it be if I just did what I felt like doing, ignoring the rules, and going for it? Instead what I should have asked myself was ‘what good can come from this?’. What good can come from me giving away my kisses and being physically connected in anyway to this person? What good can come from breaking the rules?
Not much good came from that, in fact I never talked to that guy again, made things at church awkward and didn’t go over so well with my Parents. It’s foolish to day-dream about things you can’t change but I do wish I could have taken that back.
My second kiss was fireworks, sparkles, hearts, and earthquakes, it was about 5 years in the making and it was what I wished my first kiss would have been.
If it’s not obvious the take away here is don’t be pressured to do something because of time, or friends, or FOMO. Follow your convictions, wait, and don’t give things away to people who don’t deserve them.
Save those kisses for people who won’t make you go ‘eww’ when you look back on it.