I don’t really go out with people that are very involved in my life (i.e. friends, classmates or frat guys). Therefore, I resort to online dating: Tinder, Bumble, etc. You name it, I’ve probably used it or at least considered it. It’s not that I’m bad at meeting guys, I just don’t really want to run into them again down the road in my day to day life. If it doesn’t work out, I don’t really have a desire to see you again…ever.
After swiping a bit, I matched with this guy named Chris. He had recently moved to Huntington Beach from the East Coast and I decided to meeting him on neutral turf, Newport Beach. The first red flag should have been when he gave me his address and wanted me to meet at his place. I mean who does that? Why in the world would you ever gives a complete stranger your address? I didn’t know him; he didn’t know me. I could have been an ax murderer for all he knew and he would have just invited me inside facing his impending doom. However, ignoring my instincts, I agreed to meet this guy anyway. I mean he was cute right? Can’t say no to cute.We were to meet at Seaside Bakery, home to the infamous college drunk food of choice warm and delicious ham and cheese croissant.
He walked up to me and the only thing I could think of was, “Wow, you’ve kind of let yourself go since those pictures were taken.” Yes, I am a shallow person, but hey, when you’re on a dating app where you select someone based on looks, you can’t expect too much from me, am I right? Needless to say, he did not look like he did in the photo. Talk about disappointing! I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and we went to order our food. He offered to pay for my stuff, which would have been nice if he didn’t belittle me by saying, “I make significantly more money than you.” Could have done without that little jab. It was significantly more insulting because a ham and cheese croissant is literally less than $5. I think I can pay for my own, sir. Trying to make conversation, I asked what he did for work. That was my mistake, for unbeknownst to me, I had unleashed something horrible. He went on a long tirade about his entire life story starting from college.
He had attended George Washington University, but didn’t like it there, so he transferred to Duke. From there, he went on to get an Engineering Masters from Princeton. That was a pretty cool story…if he had stopped there. He proceeded to “casually” mention that he went to Princeton for grad school about 3,843,437,598 more times in the course of our two hour date. Cool story, bro! Could you please tell it again?
As if that wasn’t enough to send me running for the hills, he abruptly asked me how I would feel being The First Lady of the United States. Apparently he is planning on running for president in the distant future and wants me to be his first lady. Me. He had just met me that night. Terrifying! I get it, you’re on a dating app which implies that you want to date. However, that does not mean that you get to just jump on it. Do I say to people, “how many children do you want?” on a first date? No! Well take that back, I would consider saying it to someone if I didn’t like them at all and the date was going poorly.
Finally, he asked me about my life and what I’ve been doing. I briefly mentioned my major change and how much happier I am now that I am no longer an engineering major (see what I did there). As I was talking about how I was working for a notary signing company, HE GRABBED ME AND HE KISSED ME. No permission. No smooth transition. Just an overly aggressive kiss. There was still food in my mouth! I was disgusted. Apparently my notary signing company was his cue to plant one on me because it is just so sexy!
That was my cue to leave. I never saw him again, but there is no doubt in my mind that he is a Ted Cruz supporter.